All these weeks... I finally managed to recover bit by bit from the heartbroken thanks to my most awaited concert cancellation... I can see myself slowly recovering, but definitely not yet completely healed. I think the healing process will definitely take a bit longer...
The only burdening feeling that still stayed now that 9th April 2011 had finally passed is that I feel like I'm missing something that really should have happened. I should have been a girl who had successfully achieved her second new year resolution T.T But looks like achieving this goal might take a bit longer... *sigh
Now onto all the positive words I received from people... My special thanks to Amy for her lovely and very strengthening sharing, Aerina-unni and Joyce for always be there to listen to all my complaints and heart cry, Sherly and Ivanna for their continuous prayers and supporting Biblical passages, Ci Christina for also being angry at my place, Nat2 for our sharing since kita temen seperjuangan on the very same boat facing the very same unexpected storm, Manda for showing her careful care and touching understanding on my feelings, Danica for offering me to cook comfort food, and my other friends who i shared my sadness with (bnyk... Ci Win, Lina, koko, Sis, Ciput, Marcell, Maya, Francy, Flo, Cindy, Marian, Mary), my sisters, my mom (who is surprisingly supportive in helping me to go through this situation), my boss who already gave me permission for a week leave in advance for my next concert quest, Indo Cassies for their heartcry which felt like they're speaking on my behalf, and of course God... For I know He never let me go even a second in my life, and He's really the closest to me especially during this hard hard time for me...
Positive stuff that I learned from this tragedy:
- I was able to do and learn some household chores that I had never been exposed before. I guess this time was another proof that I can still put my family as first priority even before JYJ... Because, seriously, if I wanted to force myself to go to Thai, I really could do so... I was happy when my mom complimented that I've been thinking and act upon things in good way. She further added, that because I've been doing good deeds by doing so, then surely God will give me the return later...
- I was still able to consider my boss' feeling and the office situation which was super messy not to take extra leave since I couldn't cancel my original leave which was taken specially for Indo concert...
- I was also able to be reasonable in terms of costs and benefits when considering the Thai option... This reason and the other two above I guess really proved that I still can be a very reasonable fan despite of my huge love and adoration for the three... Isn't that a good thing??
- I learnt that loving someone is a precious feeling... You shouldn't feel guilty about whom you are falling with... All girls' feelings of falling in love is a beautiful thing. However, it is important to direct and handle that precious feeling wisely to make sure that feeling doesn't grow into any of these three: jealousy, possessiveness and lust. This revelation makes me learn to pray about my feelings for Jaejoong, because I can see that my love towards him already caused me to experience all three sinful feelings T.T
- Everyone has been telling me that there will be better opportunities ahead. I kept falling down into depression and hopelessness again and again during the past two weeks, and everytime I talked to someone about it, this statement always appeared, and they never failed to cheer me up. It gives me courage to start hoping again, start believing again, start having faith again... Still needs a lot of strengthening and support for this one...
- God's personal message to me through Father Peter's preaching: Be patient, wait and see. Before the cancellation, I did pray at night and heard Him said to me, "Don't worry. You're getting it..." I'm gathering every scratch of my faith and hope to believe in these two statements combined with everyone's support, that definitely, someday, it will happen. And just like Amy said, when my time to see my boys finally came, definitely God will make it easy for me. No need to push myself so extensively nor making excessive sacrifice. When it comes, it will pour. It will just be there, ready for me to enjoy to the max... To savour every bits and pieces of it. It will be the best, even more than what I could ask for... VIP A seat, fanmeet and personal encounter, no injuries and all safe concert... All you can mention it!
- I learned to not be jealous again at others' blessings. Evi still got to go to Thai for travelling and watching the uncancelled Thai concert... Everything happened for a reason. Evi could go because God saw Evi needed to go. There is a reason for her to go as God had told me during one of the prayers. But it doesn't mean I couldn't go. I suppose it's not my time yet to see them...
- The Bible passage told me: not to get too attached at what was originally meant to be a refreshner and blessing. I realise that I was too attached at these boys, especially Jaejoong of course. It's good to have a drawback and tried to align myself at a more normal level regarding my attachment to him and the rest of the group. When God puts you into unpleasant situation, it is because He loves you so much that He cares to reorient you to ensure that you are growing into something good. Well, I was dis-oriented. I did pray that God would make everything went smooth for the concert. But I remembered that my source of life motivation back then was the concert itself instead of Him... And I did remember that I didn't pray for that concert NOT to be cancelled. I guess I missed on this point *chuckles*
- Thanks to all these depression actually I prayed more, read more Bible passages and able to listen to religious songs instead of TVXQ/JYJ being on my playlist for 24/7...
"Be patience, wait and see. You are getting it..."
Amen~
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